if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
