i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
