i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
