Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
