i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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