i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
