this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
