I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
