Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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