The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
