im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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