I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
