she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
