Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
