I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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