So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
