you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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