I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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