Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
