There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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