I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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