Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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