It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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