So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
