I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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