dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
