My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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