Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
