I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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