is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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