I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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