i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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