youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
