I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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