The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
