When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
