If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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