I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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