Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
