they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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