I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
