why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
