He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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