remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
