It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
