The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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