So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
