I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
