I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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