you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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