my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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